On external validation and insecurities

Today I was wondering precisely where insecurity, at its root, stems from. Like, is it the media that begat these things or did they simply feed on fears that were already there? I mean, honestly all of mine seem pretty learned. Perfectionism, never feeling like it's enough because I feel I absolutely must, as I have to, be excellent or at the very least totally fucking brilliant or what was the use? I feel like, if I have all this power and all this potential, how dare I not become the absolute greatest version of myself? It's almost a burden at times. It stresses me the f out.

And it's so weird? Today it's this simultaneous message of "live your best life" and "relax, slow down, no need to overthink." Can anyone else out there relate to achievement having been the crux of your self-esteem? It's not a vibe, I promise you. Sometimes I wish I did have more modest dreams, I guess. But then I go, well shit I didn't cross two continents to get here for nothing?

This is all sorta toxic by the way. Don't be like me, lmfao. Or, be like me, I guess, but not in that respect. If you choose to keep up with this blog, and I recommend you do, you'll be privy to my journey and exploration with letting loose and maybe not being so GO GO GO GO 100 1000 EVERYTHING MUST BE PRECISE I MUST DO IT. Yeah, that's often the intensity of my thoughts. Like I said, totally not a vibe. But fuck it we move!!

But back to external validation. I think external validation is built into the program. As in, it's kind of necessary. To succeed in certain fields, say law, medicine, engineering, etc., you kind of need to have passed the external exams. But I think my issue with the concept is the ~validation~ part. That's the part where I'm like, ew. Because it almost implies that the external thing (whether it be looks or money or status or social acceptance) is what gives validity to you as a person. And that's so ew, because um like what? Hard pass. It's super fucking hard though, with social media today. Super fucking difficult to be honest. And how it could it not be? Honestly, if anyone out there has mastered the art of being completely, totally, honestly and authentically unaffected by social media and what others are up to and have got going on, please enlighten the rest of the planet.

And I mean truly, completely free. Not like "I feel like I don't really care but deep down I'm totally lying to myself" but like actually unaffected. And the reason I say it like this is because, dude, if you're a person with ambition? It can easy to get caught up in the idea of things and how things look. It takes a pure, clear vision and discipline to not get caught up. Because believe you me, a loooooooooooot of these people are caught up. A looooooootta them. Trust.

Now, I'd say I've approached the point where discipline and a pure, clear vision come easier. It's easier now to detach from the idea of things. That brings a lot of peace. And it was through practice and experience and daily practice again. Commitment to cultivating my own vision and energy. But of course, all is a work in progress.

love <3